What if Al-Qaeda had a corporate newsletter?
Instant classic from Iowahawk:
PERSONNEL PERSPECTIVES
As you have possibly heard by now, Team Satan and their subsidiary Iraqi Security Forces have made several key market acquisitions in the last few months. In order to meet Q3 Return-on-Mayhem targets and maximize stakeholder value, we need to refocus our client-facing resource model. As we are currently seeking a 17th round of venture funding, budgets are extremely tight, and this will require reducing our internal work team payroll load through adaptive right-sizing on a go-forward basis. Accounting estimates indicate that much of this will be achieved via natural attrition and Apache Hellfire missiles. Still, in order to achieve costing targets, we will need to engage in involuntary outboarding.
The Communications department will be most directly effected by this initiative, as we continue transitioning of our day-to-day public relations efforts to offshore low-cost providers like Huffington Post, DailyKos, and Democratic Underground.
Much more at the link.
________________________
{Post by See-Dubya}
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Thought that was an ACORN ‘PERSPECTIVE’ at first…
Very clever, thanks for the link.
“Return-on-Mayhem targets” – my fav.
They’d be published in the church bulliten in Obama’s former church?
Obligatory comment referencing the New York Times
I thought that’s what the Democrat talking points are. Al Qaeda’s recruitment.
If they had a corporate newsletter, you better believe that the NYT will be running it on the front page every time it came out. CNN and MSNBC would be running commentary on it, having their commentators repeating each other as to how wonderful it is.
Can you say Pulitzer Prize or a Nobel Prize for literature!!
One thing I noticed, when reports of a new OBL tape coming out, the story is almost always reported by ABC News first.
Iowahawk is a hoot! If only “Terror Incorporated” was dumb enough to use the latest management fads to meet their goal of world domination. They would be too busy getting in-touch with their feelings via Covey Training instead of trying to kill all of us stubborn free thinking infidels.
On July 10th, 2008 at 6:40 pm, wise_man said:
If only it were parody.
Ouch.
Actually the Times and NPR and other very well paid feeders at the information trough would be very unhappy if al Qaeda cut them out of the equation. They view terrorists the same way a Legal Defense Fund views poor people. That is as a special interest to cultivate and use for fundraising. There is plenty of work though for the terrorist apparatus in acting as content providers to the voracious careerists of the media. That is why there is always a job for local representatives of the terrorists, such as Bilal in Iraq or in Gaza with the al Dura fraud.
Dubs I’m going out on a limb here and guessing what the recruitment process is like given by Tyler Turban:
1. You don’t talk about
fight clubAl-Qaeda.2. You don’t talk about
fight clubAl-Qaeda.3. When someone says stop, or goes limp, even if he’s just faking it, the
fightjihad is not over.4. Only two guys to a
fightjihad.5. One
fightjihad at a time.6. They
fightjihad without shirts or shoes.7. The
fightsjihads go on as long as they have to.8. If this is your first night at
fight clubAl-Qaeda, you have tofightjihad.9. You don’t talk about
fight clubAl-Qaeda because there is nofight clubAl-Qaeda.#8 Boomer
Maybe they’ll also try to incorporate
“Best Practices” into their bomb-making strategies.
And then they won’t blow themselves up prematurely quite so often.
I understand their 401k plan is a little underwhelming as most participants do not reach retirement age.
Undistributed assets can make for a much healthier return for the surviving managers.
On July 10th, 2008 at 6:45 pm, Jeddite said:
Obligatory comment referencing the New York Times
Thank you Jeddite, maybe I am getting paranoid but…oh well, never mind & yes it is obligatory.
Who needs a retirement plan when there are 72 virgins waiting for each of them.
Fool! It is 90 virgins. Do you not read the newsletter? A pox upon your children, inshallah!
Forgive me. I’m just an infidel.
Anyone forgeting their team Satan badge, will have to go home and get it. We will no longer write down your time in, or out.
allah akbar!
It would be a special insert in the Sunday times.
I think it’s now 24 virgins. They’ve had to ration them out, due to the increased number of “martyrs” applying.
But–allah be praised–a new cohort of 9 year-olds is entering the labor pool, improving the out-year forecast. Death to the Great Satan!
I wonder if they will report on the recent trouncing they received in Mosul by the US military and Iraqi army? It is said to be their last desparate holdout in Iraq.
I wonder if they will report on the USA’s recent capture of 550 metric tons of yellow cake in Iraq (before al Qaeda could get it) and the subsequent shipping of it to a firm in Canada? (It wasn’t a war for oil as much as it was a war for yellow cake.)
Oh, you didnt read about this in the NY Times or hear about it from Wolf BlitzNoggin?
Lara Logan was too “busy” to be reached for comment.
(Free Scooter Libby now, Mr. President and arrest Joe Wilson for treason and false testimony. The jig is up!)
I wonder if they will report their overall ass whuppin in Iraq?
Will BS Obama try to reach out to al Qaeda when he visits?
Bear1909 out.
How dare you compare these courageous “freedom fighters” to an evil organization like a corporation?
Corporations are the reason that babies cry and why trees lose their leaves once a year. Surely a retraction is required, you thoughtless capitalist swine.
Respectfully,
Rosie O’Donnell