Instrument of torture: The Barry Manilow punishment
A judge with a truly wicked sense of humor has been sentencing noise violators to listen to Barry Manilow for an hour as a civil penalty:
Barry Manilow’s “I Write the Songs” may begin with the line, “I’ve been alive forever,’” but for noise ordinance violators, listening to Manilow may feel like forever.
Fort Lupton Municipal Judge Paul Sacco says his novel punishment of forcing noise violators to listen to music they don’t like for one hour has cut down on the number of repeat offenders in this northwestern Colorado prairie town.
About four times a year, those guilty of noise ordinance violations are required to sit in a room and listen to music from the likes of Manilow, Barney the Dinosaur, and The Platters’ crooning “Only You”
“These people should have to listen to music they don’t like,” said Judge Paul Sacco for a segment about the program that aired Friday on Denver’s KUSA-TV.
Go ahead and leave your nominees for best torture music. On Michael Graham’s Boston talk show this morning, I nominated anything by REO Speedwagon and the Pokemon theme song (which my kids drive me crazy with 50 times a day).
Also: “Barbie Girl.”
“Umbrella.”
And P. Diddy’s butchering of “Every Breath You Take.”
Ugh.
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Torturers! I thought this was outlawed now that Obama won!
The Macarena, Livin La Vida Loca, and mmmBop. One of my sisters was a big Hanson fan…ugh.
Some songs from the 70ies, like “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero”, “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun” (whatever the title was), the muskrat foreplay noises from “Muskrat Love” by Captain and Tenille…
Okay, I’ve got to go do something to get these out of my head now.
Obviously – any piece of music written before 1900 – actually, anything written before 1950, but particularly anything written by Bach, Brahms, Beethoven, etc.
This time of year, it would be Paul McCarthy’s “Wonderful Christmastime”. I’ve run out of a store to get away from it before.
Anything by the “Wiggles”.
We once drove from Phoenix to Denver with our “new bundle of joy”. All she wanted to hear was the Wiggles, otherwise she would scream incessantly.
After passing Gallup, NM, I was pure moosh.
Whenever I hear anything remotely Wigglesque, I get cold flashes and try to locate a hammer or some other form of club and seek out the source of the noise.
Hot Pataytah!
Viva Vyagra.
I just saw an ad for Manilow’s new record – Greatest Songs of the 80s.
He does Rick Astley! Cruel and unusual punishment, I say.
He butchered “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin as well. Come to think of it, anything by Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/whatever he calls himself this week.
Janet Reno nailed it with “Achey Breaky Heart”.
MM! REO Speedwagon are great – they bring back memories of my high school years every time I hear them on the radio.
For a torture nominee, may I suggest they follow up the Manilow with several consecutive hours of “The View,” featuring Joy Behar’s greatest pearls of wisdom!
Although a clear and egregious violation of the 8th Amendment, that should be enough to break the hardest of hard-core criminals!
all pre ” Rubber Soul” Beatles music, unless George Harrison was lead, all of Metallica and any heavy metal band… three chords and hard strum do not make a great guitar riff. Madonna, Amy Winehouse, John Lennon’s Imagine, Prince…. just a few of my favorite things…… to banish.
My mother was a big Manilow fan. It was constantly playing on the 8 Track when I was growing up.
That IS torture. I cannot thinking of anything worse.
Rick Roll’d: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
This might not stand – more’s the pity. I get all this crappy music inflicted on me every day as I commute – why shouldn’t they have MY musical selections inflicted on them?
You have to add Souljah boy which is blared at every NY Knicks game.
Just about anything played on softrock/easy listening/”lite”/beautiful music/elevator music/Muzak stations.
maaaaaaaaake hiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmm stooooooooooop
ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
:bangs head on desk to try and get the BM songs out:
Thanks for the bad mamories.
:turns up Jethro Tull’s Aqualung:
An hour of My Sharona by the Knack would break anybody.
I wish I hadn’t read that. Now it’s stuck in my head. Aaargh!
Ouch!
Agree.
I’m not making this up:
30 years ago, on a “beautiful” music station in a store, I actually heard singers scatting the Baroque “Masterpiece Theater” theme.
I still get flashback pain from that experience….
I could handle listening to Manilow as long as it wasn’t “Copacabana.” Torture for me would be listening to rap.
I’m a sentimental Manilow fan, but I can see how he’d be punishment for the hip-hop/rap crowd.
I nominate anything by Michael Bolton as punishment.
Or that mess of a song “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you tore it apart” or whatever it says. I leave stores on that song, too.
Barry Manilow =torture
Rap or heavy metal. After an hour of that I’d be climbing the walls!
I like REO Speedwagon. Riding the Storm Out is one of my favorite ’80′s rock songs.
Just in case anyone thought I was making this up: Manilow Rick Rolls himslef.
Warning: Seriously, don’t click the link unless you want to see Manilow covering Astley.
Agreed, but look who’s singing it – Wham/George Michael!
Janis Joplin would be torture to me. She sounds like a cat trying to climb a blackboard.
L
“Who let the dogs out?”
I hate this song!
If you want the equivalent of capital punishment by music, I nominate
SLIM WHITMAN
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a28EBGEkCs
If you are a Martian…… it’s deadly.
Just make them listen to someone… anyone… at all singing “Feelings”
I disagree with “Seasons in the Sun” being torture. I always liked that one; I even had it on 45. The flip side was some cute little off-the-wall song called “Put The Bone In,” or something like that; and no, it wasn’t anything vulgar.
For anyone who has trouble going to sleep, I highy recommend Mandilow’s “3:00 AM, Paradise Cafe” CD. I don’t believe I have ever stayed away until the 3rd song, although it has, for extreme cases of insominia, about 10 sleep inducing tunes.
You will be glad you tried it, no more pills or tossing and turning…it works every time!!!!
William Shatner Sings!
I am honestly not sure if this is a joke or not.
Rocketman
“Una Paloma Blanca” by Slim Whitman and everything else that he yodels. In the movie “Mars Attacks” Slim Whitman music was played to make the aliens’ heads explode and save Earth.
“Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?”
Any song that has Whistling in it.
OK, make “away”….awake.
Barry Manilow did “Mandy”, didn’t he? That is definitely torturous.
No more Andy Griffith Show for you!
How does the judge know you don’t like BM? Does he make defendents fill out a music questionaire before he sees them?
He couldn’t do anything worse to me than traveling with my wifes favorite music on the radio. I’ve been to hell. And I’m still here. She’s 13 years my jr, and loves rap. nuff said!
ROFL chap!!! Thanks.
Try this one: Mr Tambourine Man
/Shatner more on
must.have.strong.stomach
/off
Fruit Salad, Yummy, yummy.
Actually, I do like Barry Manilow, but in small doses.
How about McCain singing Streisand? How about Streisand singing Streisand??!!
“Patience,” Guns N’ Roses
“Dock of the Bay,” Otis Redding
“Centerfold,” J. Geils Band
Here are at least 3 good ones.
It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears
It’s a world of hopes, it’s a world of fears
There’s so much that we share,
That it’s time we’re aware,
It’s a small world after all.
It’s a small world after all,
It’s a small world after all,
It’s a small world after all,
It’s a small, small world.
You may now spend the next three days getting this out of your head.
More than two songs in a row by Dylan.
Hey, REO was one of my favorite groups in high school!
I think torture for these kids would be anything I like to listen to, minus the old rock that my 15-year-old actually likes.
So that would be classical, musical theater, and especially opera, which drives my 15-year-old son crazy.
Fortunately, my teenage daughter shares my taste in music.
You can have that Surfer Carp “Beach Boy” stuff and walk off a pier with it.
That’s torture, more so than waterboarding.
“Feelings, nothing more than feeeeelingingsssss……..”
Most Annoying Song Evah: Weird Al Yankovic’s “Albuquerque”. And for a seasonal flair, dogs barking Jingle Bells, or Porky Pig’s “Blue Christmas”.
Although I’m sure listening to any/all of the above would just be karmic payback for me, I’m sure– we moved cross-country by car when I was a very young child, and I sang, “The Ocean’s a great big bowl of fish soup, fish soup, fish soup!” for about 1000 miles. Just those lyrics, ’cause I didn’t know the rest of the song.
It was over 30 yrs ago and I bet I could still give my mother convulsions with it.
Yep.
As our sons say, Dylan wrote some of the best songs other people did.
Michael Jackson – you left out Michael Jackson!!!
:pukes:
Anything by the Carpenters. That would definitely be torture for diabetics. Also “Sugar Sugar” by the Archies.
That is one of the most shocking, absurd statements ever written on this site.
Listen to Tambourine Man by Dylan, who actually sounds like a strung out junkie looking for his dealer and then the version by the Byrds.
Actually the Byrds ruined a great many of Dylan’s songs. They are not supposed to be pretty little tunes to merrily hum along to. They are poetry.
“Kung Foo Fighting” drives me absolutely up a wall. “Disco Duck” is another one.
Minnie Ripperton (sp?) “Lovin’ You”, puts me into an immediate full body spasm. The Jets have a real winner that has about the same affect on me “La La I love you” or something horrifyingly similar.
The Song, “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred should be Banned!!!
And Starship sang a song called “We Built this City”. Which when on the radio, I gain Antaean strength and able to move large pieces of furniture with little effort in order to get to the radio and change the station within seconds.
Hey Mickey, he’s so fine he blows my mind, hey Mickey!
The judge could make them listen to “Yoko Ono’s Greatest Hits,” but I believe it was banned in Gitmo.
Don’t get me started on the worst Christmas songs : )
As far as torture by music – anything by AIR SUPPLY or MINNIE RIPPERTON.
Good lordy Feebz.
brain douche – stat!
He always sounds like that.
Poetry doesn’t have a melody. Oh, right. Never mind.
“Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool……….“
Listen to Lay, Lady, Lay and get back to me on that one.
Well, there are lots of them, but right now I’m thinking Cher. That “shoop, shoop” song.
Okay, I do like that one. He lost his harmonica on that one, too.
Like I said, more than two in a row.
On November 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am, feebiebabe said:
“Kung Foo Fighting” drives me absolutely up a wall. “Disco Duck” is another one.
Minnie Ripperton (sp?) “Lovin’ You”, puts me into an immediate full body spasm. The Jets have a real winner that has about the same affect on me “La La I love you” or something horrifyingly similar.
The Song, “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred should be Banned!!!
And Starship sang a song called “We Built this City”. Which when on the radio, I gain Antaean strength and able to move large pieces of furniture with little effort in order to get to the radio and change the station within seconds.
—————————————-
On November 24th, 2008 at 11:06 am, Mar said:
“We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun” (whatever the title was),
—————————————
Thanks for reminding me of that one, too. ARGH!!
Anything by Leonard Cohen, that man could make you feel like jumping off a bridge.
Thank you for your kind, mature words.
Was wondering why it was taking so long for your true colors to show.
Anyway,
De gustibus non est disputandum.
Can’t wait for more pleasant, civil, complimentary discourse…over a discussion about taste in music , for Chrissake!
Sail Away by Enya is definitely the worst torture music ever
Ha! Rick Roll them!
On November 24th, 2008 at 11:20 am, Mar said:
On November 24th, 2008 at 11:08 am, behiker said:
This time of year, it would be Paul McCarthy’s “Wonderful Christmastime”. I’ve run out of a store to get away from it before.
Or that mess of a song “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you tore it apart” or whatever it says. I leave stores on that song, too.
————————————-
“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”! That’s a station-changer for sure, and if I heard it in a store, I may not be respondible for what I’d do.
Your Obvious Hyperbole Meter must be set to a very very low sensitivity.
Grateful Dead – 45 minutes of pointless emotionless guitar solos! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
Hey. Drug induced euphoria IS an emotion, and actually I think they are musically a lot more talented than people give them credit for.
Considering the probable musical tastes of noise ordinance violators…
John Denver.
I know a lot of people that give them alot of credit.
You’re defending Dylan and the Dead? You tellin’ us something?
Anything by Styx. As Homer Simpson said, “This is hell.”
But honestly, I’ve always liked Mandy and Could it be Magic.
I have good taste? I swear as God is my witness I have never used an illegal drug.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but you’re on notice…
Ann Coulter is a HUGE fan of the Dead. LOL
Please put the Spice girls at the top of the torture list. I really don’t care what they really really want. Those Brits played that song and the song that had blue guy living in a blue house to death 10 years ago.
I’m already sorry I read this thread.
Please make the noise in my head stop!
I’m going back to my fetal position now.
Abracadabra – Steve Miller band. UGH.
That song on the Obama-Girl video.
I gag any time I hear it.
Don’t worry, be happy by Bobby McFerrin makes me feel like breaking things.
Rock me Amadeus by Falco probably made Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart spin in his grave.
For torture, the judge should confine the noise violators to Disneyland, in “It’s a Small World”, for a few hours…
–Ken
he might have gotten a good laugh out of it…
probably not out of Ozzie…
“Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex. OMG, pukes.
(This is an elliptical slam which might gain appreciation by those musically-inclined or aware…)
A Philip Glass tune,
A Philip Glass tune,
A Philip Glass tune,
A Philip Glass tune,
A Philip Glass tune…
Also, Kudos to chapoutier for offering the William Shatner songs (RocketMan) – you beat me to that one!
Genesis “Illegal Alien” – for more reason than one. LMAO
Hey, speaking of Shatner…didnt Limoy do Lucy in The Sky with Diamonds?
I vote for Milli Vanilli or anything by New Kids on the Block.
On November 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm, kwyoung said:
I vote for Milli Vanilli or anything by New Kids on the Block.
————————————-
Which Milli Vanilli – the ones who appeared on stage and in videos or the ones who did the actual singing?
Don’t turn around, oh oh.
Der Commissar’s in town oh oh OH…
or anything by Boy George.
OMG, I’m having flashbacks!
Okay, I’m showing my age now, but anything by the Bay City Rollers would be cruel and unusual punishment.
Yes.
I suggest the recorded works of German superstar, David Hasselhoff.
I used to walk out of bars when S. Wonder would sing “I Just called to say I Love You” on the jukebox. Being an old drunk that was a powerful thing.
My mom had “the two sides of Leonard Nimoy” the only song IO remember was “The ballard of billbo baggins” the bravest little hobbit of them all.
No, no, no it ain’t him, Babe. That was Bill. Though Nimoy did do an album where he covered such rock classics as “Proud Mary”.
In the meantime enjoy William Shatner – “It Was A Very Good Year”.