Instrument of torture: The Barry Manilow punishment
A judge with a truly wicked sense of humor has been sentencing noise violators to listen to Barry Manilow for an hour as a civil penalty:
Barry Manilow’s “I Write the Songs” may begin with the line, “I’ve been alive forever,’” but for noise ordinance violators, listening to Manilow may feel like forever.
Fort Lupton Municipal Judge Paul Sacco says his novel punishment of forcing noise violators to listen to music they don’t like for one hour has cut down on the number of repeat offenders in this northwestern Colorado prairie town.
About four times a year, those guilty of noise ordinance violations are required to sit in a room and listen to music from the likes of Manilow, Barney the Dinosaur, and The Platters’ crooning “Only You”
“These people should have to listen to music they don’t like,” said Judge Paul Sacco for a segment about the program that aired Friday on Denver’s KUSA-TV.
Go ahead and leave your nominees for best torture music. On Michael Graham’s Boston talk show this morning, I nominated anything by REO Speedwagon and the Pokemon theme song (which my kids drive me crazy with 50 times a day).
Also: “Barbie Girl.”
“Umbrella.”
And P. Diddy’s butchering of “Every Breath You Take.”
Ugh.
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My mom had “the two sides of Leonard Nimoy” the only song IO remember was “The ballard of billbo baggins” the bravest little hobbit of them all.
No, no, no it ain’t him, Babe. That was Bill. Though Nimoy did do an album where he covered such rock classics as “Proud Mary”.
In the meantime enjoy William Shatner – “It Was A Very Good Year”.
Alright, stop! Collaborate and listen…
ice, ice, baby!
S-A-TUR-DAY TONIGHT!
I’m actually old enough to remember them, too.
I believe Saturday Night was their only hit.
“Moskau” by Dschinghis Khan …full looping.
Wow! I never had a song run me out of a bar.
Old joke:
Q: What did the Grateful Dead fan say after he came off his acid trip?
A: “Wow, this music really sucks.”
Or have I told that one already?
Janice Ian’s “Seventeen”. Music to break the radio by.
Madshark — besides Manilow, my mother was also into Streisand. She had all those 8 Tracks also. If Manilow was not one, Streisand was. To this day, I cannot hear Streisand without wanting to break furniture.
Eventually my mother got a CD player. I generally would get her what she wanted as gifts (thankfully, her favorite singer was Frank Sinatra, who I can listen to for hours).
I drew the line at buying her the “One Voice” CD. Not only did I not want to hear it in the house, but as I told my mom, the profits of that CD were going to support all the causes my mother hated.
anyone say “tip toe through the Tulips” yet?
tiny tim…. pahleeeeeeeze.
Really? I think that is a sweet sad song.
And it was sung on the first ever SNL (hosted by George Carlin).
The problem with that is France holds the international rights to torture using “Seasons In The Sun”, or as they knew it, “Le moribond” by Jacques Brel.
L’original:
Jacques Brel – “Le moribond”
(Not as if the French could or would do anything about it, of course.)
ALL cRAP SUCKS.
One hit in the US, but we had to suffer them in the UK for about 5 years.
Musical torture?
Babs Streisand. Absolutely.
Also, Celine Dion, especially if I have to watch her make those strange faces to sing.
30pcs…good call. Vanilla Ice, boy am I glad he’s over.
Back when all the liberals were threatening to move to Canada in 2004, I asked on a canadian board if they could also take Celine Dion back. They said no.
Didn’t Pat Boone do a hard rock album and dress up in black leather at what could be nicely called an age too freakin’ old to do that?
And Debbie Boone’s You Light Up My Life needs to be on the torture list, too! I know we liked it at the time (well some of us, it was at the top of the charts for a while), but it would drive pretty much anyone over the edge now, I believe.
Don’t forget it’s more evil cousin, Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas” with Yoko singing backup.
My condolences!
Yeah, Lennon’s overrated, too. I thought he was cool when I was younger, but I smoked alot of dope back then.
George was the best Beatle.
Queen’s version of “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” I bought every album Queen came out with until they did that, but no more after that.
Yup, in the mid-80s as kind of a lark/jes’ goofin’ off type thing. Upset a lot of Christian folks, though and his TBN show was pulled for awhile because of it.
I had to come back. There goes lunch and “Afternoon Delight”. Lets see you get THAT song out of yer noggin.
Some more gems for your consideration:
“She Bangs” (either Ricky Martin OR William Hung)
“Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. Harry Chapin covered this ground much better in “Taxi”. Every wimp with a guitar in the late 70s thought he was Fogelberg. ARRGH!
“Ebony and Ivory” – ’nuff said. Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy did a hilarious send-up on SNL one year.
“Teddy Bear” by Red Sovine. The ultimate overly sentimental country song.
“Patches” by Clarence Carter. The ultimate overly sentimental R&B/country song.
Is that enough, or do you want more?
Mega Ditto.
Thanks a lot.
Hands down.
How about Barry Manilow sings Judas Priest’s Greatest Hits?(it could happen :-/)
Convoy.
Wonderful harmony on the vocals, though, ya gotta admit Soap. (And it’s a song about “a nooner”, to boot!)
Afternoon Delight
Your wisdom is profound, my friend!
…and Ringo was a lucky drummer.
In honor of Patches. Audlt warning sortof.
The Go Go’s “We Got the Beat”. I couldn’t stand that talentless bunch of bimbos in the 80s.
Aaargh! On the bright side at least
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
got forced out of my head.
I’ve always thought that ‘Midnight at the Oasis’ was about the worst thing that any performer has done to our collective ears.
Anything by the following acts:
Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy/Sean Combs/Alan Colmes
Lil Wayne
Lil Jon
Lil Kim
Lil Bow Wow
Kanye West, Chris Brown, and any singer who overuses a Vocoder (e.g., Cher in “Believe”)
Flo Rida
Master P
Eric Clapton post-Cream and pre-”Tears in Heaven”
Jesse McCartney
Bay City Rollers <—Click With Caution
KISS
38 Special
Any metal group with a vocalist that sounds like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street
Morris Albert (”Feelings”)
(partial list)
From experience, most a$$hats that play loud music is either screechy itchy metal or rap.
Perhaps it would behoove the judge to allow them to listen to “good” music played at a moderate level.
I always think of Elmer Fudd.
Gotta take issue with you there. Slowhand rocks.
I am sorry, but Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs is one of the best albums ever.
hey I like bimbos!!! for a couple reasons…
for the same reasons the hooters are one of favorite bands!!
See, we can agree on something!
Tony Orlando and Dawn, “Tie a Yellow Ribbon”
On November 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm, kwyoung said:
On November 24th, 2008 at 12:32 pm, frostrt said:
On November 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm, kwyoung said:
I vote for Milli Vanilli or anything by New Kids on the Block.
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Which Milli Vanilli – the ones who appeared on stage and in videos or the ones who did the actual singing?
Yes.
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Point taken, and I agree. Not only was it cheezy music, was wuz conned!
“we” wuz conned.
*blushing*
Anything by KC and the Sunshine Band.
Shake your booty!
Lovin’ you — Minnie Ripperton
Enough to make you slit your wrists.
Who could forget those awesome words:
You can, you can do it, very well.
You’re the best in the world I can tell.
Shake, shake, shake
Shake, shake, shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty
On second thought, I need some Barry to flush my mind of the crap running through it!
Wow, I’m seeing a bunch of stuff on this list that I actually like. Just a couple of alternative takes:
REO Speedwagon: I could take or leave most of their stuff, but the group fell out of vogue just as Kevin Cronin hit his stride as a pop lyricist. Gary Richrath is a forgotten guitar hero. He was amazing on the live albums.
Go-Go’s: Yeah, they weren’t shining examples of musicianship (OTOH, The Bangles…) But neither were the Kingsmen, and they made a rock and roll classic record in “Louie Louie.” “We Got the Beat” is OK, but “Our Lips Are Sealed” is a great record.
But I’m kinda weird, I admit it. I could listen to the theme to the theme to “Tic Tac Dough” over and over while other people would be doing Vincent Van Goghs on themselves. There’s no limit or formula to what tickles my musical fancy. I appreciate Roger Whittaker and Motorhead, Elvis Presley and Richard Wagner, ABBA and AC/DC, Clay Aiken and Faith No More, the Drifters and Lynyrd Skynyrd, Chuck Berry and Falco, the Rolling Stones and George Gershwin, Foo Fighters and Ottorino Respighi, Georges Bizet and Puffy AmiYumi (a non-favorite of Michelle’s), and the list goes on.
Sue me.
Dead or Alive….Like a record,baby..You spin me round round round(*gag*)
LN, I bet you were one lonely kid back in the day!
It’s amazing and truly touching to see how music, the universal language, brings all of us with our differing political opinions together. Thank you, Michelle, for this wonderful, awe-inspiring spiritual moment.
Almost makes me want to buy everyone a Coke.
Eric Clapton’s “You Are Wonderful Tonight.” Clapton’s done a lot of good stuff, but that one’s a station changer.
I should have specified Eric Clapton as a solo artist. That does not include Derek & The Dominos or Blind Faith. What I can’t stand is his mumbling on songs like “Lay Down Sally” and his honky-tonk backup singers.
The Budokan version of “Cocaine” was good, but I feel guilty every time I listen to it.
BTW, the best music in the world has no words at all.
But I really can’t goof on you too much, LN, I still have a thing for the old Match Game Theme (aka “A Swingin’ Safari”).
By the way, LN – any relation to “Alan”?
Big thumbs up!
Hey, thanks, pianoman!
I kept most of my more unusual musical likes and dislikes to myself. This is the first time the “Tic Tac Dough” theme has come up in conversation, so I’ve never talked about it until now.
On November 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm, pianoman said:
It’s amazing and truly touching to see how music, the universal language, brings all of us with our differing political opinions together. Thank you, Michelle, for this wonderful, awe-inspiring spiritual moment.
Almost makes me want to buy everyone a Coke.
————————————–
Awww, man, talk about cheeze!
Wouldn’t you rather be a Pepper, too?
On November 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm, pianoman said:
It’s amazing and truly touching to see how music, the universal language, brings all of us with our differing political opinions together. Thank you, Michelle, for this wonderful, awe-inspiring spiritual moment.
Almost makes me want to buy everyone a Coke.
————————————–
Awww, man, talk about cheeze!
Wouldn’t you rather be a Pepper, too?
Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem with NatGeo playing loops of hippo’s mating…
Wrong link, PM – here ya go Coke Song
Pleeze eskooz the dubl postg.
kthkxbai.
When the Military and CIA do this to each’s respective prisoners, the ACLU calls it torture.
Thanks, Peep!
Winner!
Actually, I would, but bourbon doesn’t mix well with it…
1. Cracklin’Rosie, Neil Diamond (1971) This made Diamond the uncoolest dude in music to teens.
2. Having My Baby, Paul Anka (1974) I was at the height of my militant feminist period, and this made me homicidal.
3. The Thong Song, Sisqo (2000) My teenage daughter tortured me with this when it came out.
Hmmmm….sounds like an intriguing mix, tho…
Tastes like crap but after a few, who cares!
I nominate any of the songs on those FreeCreditReport.com commercials.
I saw a commercial last night for a Barry Manilow album for 80’s classics. THAT was torture! Barry singing George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” is just
Okay, I’d like to submit my own nominee:
“Sudio”.
Luv ya, Phil, but that wasn’t one of your better moments. Hopefully, another child of the 80’s will know what I’m talking about.
We should be able to use this torture during Senate sessions. Blasting over the loud speaker…next bailout bill. BAD MUSIC WILL NOT STOP IF BILL IS PAST.
“Yes or No” folks?
Like his “Illegal Alien” song?
I’m glad you said this, because I heard “Another Auld Lang Syne” by Fogelberg before I ever heard “Taxi” by Harry Chapin. The first time I heard “Taxi” all the way through, I thought, “Holy cow, did Fogelberg steal this song?” One more thing about that song: The old girlfriend drives off drunk on New Year’s Eve. I wonder if she ran into a sobriety checkpoint.
I was watching Monday Night Football on December 8, 1980 when Howard Cosell said there was a report that John Lennon had been killed. I turned on KFRC (the reigning top-40 station in San Francisco) to see if it was true, and the DJ was despondent. His exact words were, “Apparently, what I told you earlier was true, and … and … I don’t know what to say.” He then played what was on his turntable at the moment, which was Fogelberg’s “Auld Lang Syne.”
That was the last non-Beatle or Lennon song played on the station for a week.
On November 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm, feebiebabe said:
Okay, I’d like to submit my own nominee:
“Sudio”.
Luv ya, Phil, but that wasn’t one of your better moments. Hopefully, another child of the 80’s will know what I’m talking about.
Like his “Illegal Alien” song?
————————————–
“There’s a girl that’s been on myyy miiiinndd . . . aaalll the tiiimmmeee . . . sooo-sooo-sooodio” . . .
Althoug the Shamnesty Song (as I now call “Illegal Alien”) is indeed bad for more than one reason.
Now, there’s an oxymoron – “80s classics”!
Althoug s/b Although
*blushes again*
On November 24th, 2008 at 2:24 pm, purplepeep said:
Paul Revere said:
I saw a commercial last night for a Barry Manilow album for 80’s classics.
Now, there’s an oxymoron – “80s classics”!
————————————–
Dissing ALL 80’s music?! You are hereby sentenced to a term of at least ten compilation CD’s, to be listened to consecutively.
That’s been my experience, too. I have a convertible with moderately powerful speakers. When cars would pull up beside me blasting rap, I would crank up Wagner.
I’d suggest opera. Or bluegrass. Both seem to be pretty much acquired tastes.
Agreed, the best was P.Best, think the original 3 were jealous of him. Looks anyway.
He has to be one pissed off drummer.
frostrt wrote:
You’re referring to “Sussudio,” one of the two most obvious knockoffs of Prince and the Revolution’s 1983 hit “1999.” The other is “I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On,” first recorded by one-hit wonder Cherrelle and more famously covered by Robert Palmer.
Collins was perhaps the greatest drummer in pop music in the eighties (his work on Adam Ant’s “Puss in Boots” is fantastic), but as a composer, I think it’s fair to say that he was … derivative (*cough* THIEF *cough*). Take a close listen: Genesis’ “Misunderstanding” is an amalgam of “Hot Fun in The Summertime” by Sly and the Family Stone and “No Reply” by the Beatles. “In the Air Tonight” is a rip-off of former Genesis lead singer Peter Gabriel’s “Biko.” Steely Dan recorded “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” in the ’70s. Collins recorded “Billy Don’t Lose My Number” in the eighties.
He’s not the only one guilty of this. Bruce Springsteen simply re-lyricized Billy Swan’s “I Can Help” and released it as “Cover Me.”
Music to get a root canal by!!!
On November 24th, 2008 at 2:37 pm, CJ said:
When cars would pull up beside me blasting rap, I would crank up Wagner.
—————————————
“Ride Of The Valkryies”!
Yeah, baby!
This passage reminds me of the guy in American Psycho who would give a lecture about 80s music right before hacking up his victims.
On November 24th, 2008 at 2:40 pm, L.N. Smithee said:
————————————-
Interesting points. Surprised I never noticed the similarities, but looking (and listening) back, they are definitely there.
Yup, all 80s, frost: the decade of big hair and tiny talent! Music hasn’t recovered, it just kept going downhill.
On November 24th, 2008 at 2:45 pm, chapoutier said:
This passage reminds me of the guy in American Psycho who would give a lecture about 80s music right before hacking up his victims.
———————————-
Uh-Oh!
ROFL! Spew alert next time, Chap!
That’s one reason why I have a CD of Tamburitza music in my car.
IS L.N. Smithee Patrick Bateman?
Bateman:
I guess he may have changed his mind about Sussudio.
Ohhh…sorry about the language in there. Should have edited that out.
That’s why I didn’t post the quote!
On November 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm, purplepeep said:
frostrt said:
Dissing ALL 80’s music?! You are hereby sentenced to a term of at least ten compilation CD’s, to be listened to consecutively.
Yup, all 80s, frost: the decade of big hair and tiny talent! Music hasn’t recovered, it just kept going downhill.
————————————–
Well, big hair is right; heaven knows how much hairspray was released into the ozone. And a lot of it WAS pretty frikkin’ cheezy.
OT, but who else remembers the horror that was shoulder pads? While we ladies were wearing pads that made us look like we had shoulders out-to-here, we were still supposed to have a little teeny waist and flat stomach. Kind of like a cross between Kate Moss and a quarterback.