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Subway/Michelle Obama announce partnership to make kids hate lunch at places other than schools

By Doug Powers  •  January 23, 2014 12:36 PM

**Written by Doug Powers

Judging from the vomitous reaction I’ve seen from students regarding the school lunch standards that Michelle Obama prodded into existence, I’m not sure this is the wisest of marketing campaigns:

Michelle Obama is getting a new ally in her campaign to get kids to eat more fruits and vegetables.

The first lady was expected to announce Thursday that the Subway sandwich chain will spend $41 million over three years to encourage finicky young eaters to eat more food that comes out of the ground or grows on trees. The announcement was being made at a Subway shop near the White House.

Subway will only offer a kids’ menu that mirrors federal standards for school lunches. That includes offering apples on the side and low-fat or nonfat plain milk or water as a default beverage.

I repeat: Is that really a good idea, Subway?

It doesn’t really matter though, because FLOTUS has already decided what a “good lunch” should be, and that’s final:

After that, a Subway spokesman, in a glassy-eyed hypnotic stare, read in a monotone voice from a prepared statement written on FLOTUS stationary: “For the first time in Subway’s adult life we’re proud of our footlongs.” And if it didn’t happen that way, it should have.

An entire street was blocked off in front of a DC Subway this morning:

Unreliable sources tell me the street wasn’t blocked off because of Michelle Obama’s appearance, but because Jared was being told his health insurance policy was canceled per Obamacare regs and they didn’t want the press to see him flip out.

A new logo has already been suggested:

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

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