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It’s official! Philanthro-nanny Michael Bloomberg announces he’s bought his way into heaven

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By Doug Powers  •  April 16, 2014 10:30 AM

**Written by Doug Powers

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St. Peter, step aside for Super Nanny!

Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg is dumping $50 million into an organization he hopes will rival the NRA. The group, which should be named “Mayors Against Illegal Guns Went Nowhere So Now We’re Going to Try This Now,” is instead called “Everytown for Gun Safety.” Bloomberg of course isn’t promoting gun safety (the NRA promotes gun safety) but rather it is the goal of Super Nanny to **get rid of as many guns as he can.

**Not including those carried by his private security guards

According to the bible Michael Bloomberg uses — which was written by Michael Bloomberg and contains a chapter where Lot’s wife is banned after turning into a pillar of salt — he’s reached the necessary spending level for fast-pass entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven (now with no trans fat):

His financial commitment to reducing gun violence could grow. When asked how much he was willing to spend, he tossed out the $50 million figure out as if he were describing the tip he left on a restaurant check.

“I put $50 million this year, last year into coal, $53 million into oceans,” he said with a shrug, describing his clean energy and sustainable fishing initiatives. “Certainly a number like that, $50 million. Let’s see what happens.”
[...]
Mr. Bloomberg was introspective as he spoke, and seemed both restless and wistful. When he sat down for the interview, it was a few days before his 50th college reunion. His mortality has started dawning on him, at 72. And he admitted he was a bit taken aback by how many of his former classmates had been appearing in the “in memoriam” pages of his school newsletter.

But if he senses that he may not have as much time left as he would like, he has little doubt about what would await him at a Judgment Day. Pointing to his work on gun safety, obesity and smoking cessation, he said with a grin: “I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. It’s not even close.”

Oh really? But as it is written in the King Nanny version of the Bloomberg bible, “God loves an authoritarian hypocrite.”

If anybody quotes Matthew 19:24 to Bloomberg he’ll just go drop a few million to have the eye of the needle greatly enlarged and put the camel on a diet. Problem solved.

Bloomberg might want to re-think the whole heaven thing anyway — the proponent of a smaller carbon footprint for everybody except him would have to downsize on living space.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

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