My 1-year-old son has chunky, wide feet. Barney Rubble feet, I call them. We couldn’t find any shoes at a Certain Unnamed Big Box Store, so we went to the mall yesterday and stopped by over-priced Stride-Rite. Paid $20 for his first “real” sneakers. Which he loves…to gnaw on. Yup, they’re dual-use transportation/teething devices. I guess I’m getting my money’s worth.

Next, we took him to Cartoon Cuts for his first hair cut, where an Elmo video preempted a full baby meltdown. As he squirmed in the barber’s chair with Dad waiting for the video to start, I lapsed into my Elmo voice to tide him over. The Cartoon Cuts lady, by the way, heaped lavish praise on my Elmo imitation. Made my day.

After my son’s torture minor hair-grooming ordeal was over, we headed to “Play Land” (it’ like Chuck E. Cheese, only without the arcade games, rides, ticket munchers, or pizza) so my son and daughter could wear themselves out before supper. (Does anyone say supper anymore?)

Anyway, we try not to hover over the kids too much as they venture onto the set of “Lord of the Mall Flies.” My son still stumbles, especially now that he’s trying to get used to his sneakers/teethers with soles, but I can’t cover him head to toe in bubble wrap. Ridiculous idea, right? He’s gotta take some lumps, right? You can’t protect the little ones from every last little boo-boo and thud-emitting fall.

Well, apparently not all parents agree. In England, an over-paranoid mother (who bills herself as a “finalist in the British female inventor of the year awards”) has created Thudguard. (Hat tip: Matt Rosenberg and Not On My Watch.) It’s an infant/toddler protective helmet–not for riding bikes or scooters, but for standing and walking. I kid you not:

The ‘Thudguard’ protective safety hat will cushion a child’s head against bumps, bruising and laceration, whilst developing and exploring newfound mobility. Between the ages 7 to 20 months the fontanelle, temples and back of head are particularly vulnerable when an infant is learning to walk. It also protects adventurous toddlers up to the age of 3 years old who are already walking but who may benefit from extra safety in play parks and other environments. Falling over is part of growing up but the ‘Thudguard’ can reduce the severity of these injuries. Toddlers will confidently learn to walk, run and play in safety.

You think any toddler forced to wear that silly helmet on the street or playground swing is going to have “confidence?” Look at them: These poor munchkins are wearing helmets just to walk on the sidewalk. As blogger Cerberus’ wife asks: “What kind of loser would put that thing on their kid’s head?” Exactly.

I’m on board with car seats. And booster seats. And stairway gates. And plastic outlet covers. And door-knob covers. And spill-proof cups. And ouch-less Band-Aids.

But Thudguard? Somebody please tell me this is a joke. If the California legislature hears about this, we’re doomed.

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