We’ve had some fun with Al Sharpton, from “resist we much” to the blueberry pie promo, and last night Saturday Night Live got in on the action:

The IRS still isn’t laughing.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

Christmas is on the way, and times continue to be tough for many. What do we tell those youngsters who for Christmas want nothing more than a job for a parent? If kids talk to Joe Biden they’ll be told they should blame Bush, but what should mall Santas tell the kids?

Helping children cope with unfortunate economic truths is part of the curriculum at the Charles W. Howard Santa School, and all that’s required is some compassion along with, well, from the sound of it, a bit of profiling:

Here, at the nation’s oldest, most celebrated, school for would-be Santa Clauses, much has stayed exactly the same over its nearly 75 years. Yet this year, from the holiday parades, to the cheery carols piping from Main Street loudspeakers, to the “this way to Santa” lines at shopping centers, something more sobering has cast its shadow: the economic slump.

The result is a Christmas season in which Santas — including the 115 of them in this year’s graduating class of the Charles W. Howard Santa Claus School — must learn to swiftly size up families’ financial circumstances, gently scale back children’s Christmas gift requests and even how to answer the wish some say they have been hearing with more frequency — “Can you bring my parent a job?”

Here’s the approach one Santa takes:

“In the end, Santas have to be sure to never promise anything,” said Mr. Honerkamp, an alumnus of the school who also lectures here. He has devised his own tale about a wayward elf and slowed toy production at the North Pole for children who are requesting a gift clearly beyond their family’s price range. “It’s hard to watch sometimes because the children are like little barometers, mirrors on what the country has been through.”

It’s not a bad angle, really: “So you see, Billy, Santa’s helpers passed a North Pole stimulus and the elf union bosses ended up with most of the toys I was going to bring you. Then I loaned your stocking stuffers to Yukon Cornelius for his solar startup that just went bankrupt. Sorry… Ho! Ho! Ho!”

If an explanation from Santa doesn’t help, cash-strapped parents may have to take a more radical approach.

Here’s another important down-economy tip for mall Santas: If anybody asks why the gas and mortgage gifts they were promised and looking forward to a couple of years ago never ended up under the tree, tell them that Santa can be replaced before next Christmas.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

I’ve long suspected that the general consensus in Washington DC is that space aliens don’t walk among us, as evidenced by the lack of interest in passing a DREAM Act for extraterrestrials.

From MSNBC:

The White House has responded to two petitions asking the U.S. government to acknowledge formally that aliens have visited Earth and to disclose any intentional withholding of government interactions with extraterrestrial beings.

“The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race,” Phil Larson from the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy reported on the WhiteHouse.gov website. “In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.”

The petition calling on the government to disclose any knowledge of or communication with extraterrestrial beings was signed by 5,387 people, and 12,078 signed the request for a formal acknowledgement from the White House that extraterrestrials have been engaging the human race.

So much for Paul Krugman’s economic recovery plan.

My own theory is that the ETs are here but the administration is denying their existence because they supported Bush.

This claim that there is no evidence of an extraterrestrial presence on our planet may be the spark needed to get Dennis Kucinich to give President Obama a primary challenge:

In spite of the White House’s denial that extraterrestrials are now on or have visited Earth, I still have reasons to believe:

(h/t About.com)

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

The one where his beauty pageant wave blocked another foreign dignitary and elicited gigglesnorts heard ’round the world?

Well, photographer/videographer extraordinaire Michael Deppisch memorialized the moment with an animated .gif that I just had to share. This should be the U.N. Christmas card (or whatever the politically correct global holiday is):

By way of the Laura Ingraham Show — I think Obama’s speech writers might owe Carter’s speech writers some royalties:

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

A very happy Father’s Day to all our dad readers, and I’d like to send out a special one to my own dad.

My kids made me homemade cards. I don’t melt easily but that does it every time, although some will blame global warming. So far though nobody here has volunteered to mow the lawn or vacuum the pool, but I’m working on choosing volunteers as we speak.

Quickly changing the subject… last but certainly not least, via The Right Scoop, here’s a video of Michelle’s great speech at Right Online. I don’t know if Michelle’s planning to post this herself at some point in the coming days, so if she does, please do me a favor and pretend you haven’t seen it yet:

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

New from the “Great Nobel Peace Prize Winners” line of action figures from HeroBuilders.com comes President Obama as a SEAL Team Six member in urban fatigues, a “Punisher” t-shirt and carrying a military issue M4A1 rifle:

To which Rush Limbaugh notes, “They used Obama’s head but Michelle’s arms.”

The Hero Builders team worked from a real life pose and took few liberties with the design of this action figure.

Hurry, supplies are limited and Chris Matthews was just seen furiously dialing the phone.

I might get one. It’d look great on the shelf next to my vintage action figure depicting Jimmy Carter as an Army Ranger wearing an “I heart Kim Jong Il” camouflage tank top heroically attempting to appease a horde of attack rabbits using nothing but a free dinner coupon at Club Ramallah and a six pack of Billy Beer.

(h/t Fox Nation)

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

The hype has been going on ad nauseum but the day has finally arrived. Fox is anticipating huge ratings and viewers are sure to see plenty of scripted plays, pats on the behind, inflated egos and reaffirmations of Christian faith. But enough about Bill O’Reilly’s pre-game interview with President Obama.

This will be the first Super Bowl that I can remember that will feature no cheerleaders and a dramatic military flyover… of a domed stadium. And I’ll bet it’s the last time they let Joe Biden organize a Super Bowl.

Before kickoff, this tribute video for Ronald Reagan will air (h/t Cubachi):

As for the actual game, I’ll be watching it the same way the Detroit Lions watch it every year: from home. Here’s my prediction: Packers 34, Steelers 28. Pittsburgh will have a chance to win near the end of the game after Troy Polamalu picks off an Aaron Rodgers pass with under four minutes to play and gets within fifteen yards of the goal line before tripping over his own hair and fumbling the ball back to the Pack.

For those of you who don’t care about the game, don’t worry, there’s always Puppy Bowl VII.

Oh, and incidentally, after the O’Reilly interview (do a shot whenever Obama says “targeted investment” or mentions Reagan), POTUS will watch the game with Jennifer Lopez. I’m told that Obama may invite Rep. Anthony Weiner just so J-Lo doesn’t have the biggest ass at the party.

Update: Ouch!

“What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last reaming”?

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

The Republican reading of the US Constitution is today. Hopefully somebody out there is forcing Joy Behar to watch it, Clockwork Orange-style, but that’s probably too much to hope for.

The New York Times refers to the reading (watch here) as a “ritual of self-glorification.” That’s a funny thing to say coming merely a day after the outgoing Speaker talked for longer than the incoming Speaker, not to mention invited camera crews to a street being named in her honor and had Tony Bennett sing to her.

Meanwhile, in a semi-parallel universe where Tea Party dreams come true and the sharp blades of whirring debt ceiling fans clip the fingers of anyone who attempts to push it higher, Jimmy Kimmel offered this alternate ending to yesterday’s passing of the gavel:

Update: Charles Rangel is now reading from the Bill of Rights, but I think he’s taking some liberties: “The right of select members of Congress to keep and bear villas in the Dominican Republic without reporting income from them shall not be infringed.”

Update II: At least we found something that makes the left care about cutting spending: “Constitution reading” could cost taxpayers over $1 million!

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

Another outrageously outraged Aaron Sorkin column on the way in 3… 2… 1…

If you have trouble with the video try here.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

I used this excuse once and the wife didn’t buy it — better luck to these folks once they get home:

While thousands braved the cold to begin their Christmas shopping, seven people in North Yorkshire are praying for better weather after being snowed into a pub for eight days and counting.

Heavy snow showers and strong winds have left the group stuck in the Lion Inn pub in Blakey Ridge, Kirkbymoorside since last Friday, with little chance of an escape.

Drifts of up to 16ft blocked the inn’s doors and windows, with the surrounding roads impassable, and to make matters worse, the stranded seven’s cars are buried under nine foot of snow.

Rescuers found the group after hearing a tapping sound. Those stuck in the pub said they would have tapped more but they only had three kegs.

Climate change experts say the likelihood of blizzards capable of trapping people inside pubs — referred to in some circles as “Irish mining disasters” — will be on the rise due to global warming.

When the weather breaks, rescuers are expected to removed the trapped people, drunkest first, and so on. Sources tell me that so far 150 locals have volunteered to be lowered in to make sure everything’s okay.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

As the First Lady prepares to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in schools across the nation (nothing says “this will keep you healthy” like a salad bar for runny-nosed students who are a foot-and-a-half shorter than the sneeze guard), the Center for Science in the Public Interest has announced their 2010 Xtreme Eating Awards for the most unhealthy foods you can put in your body. Some of it looks pretty darn good!

For some time now, I’ve had the notion for a diet consisting of nothing other than foods the Center for Science in the Public Interest warns us not to eat, and this might be tha catalyst to get it started.

Here’s what the CSPI’s Xtreme Eating Awards are all about:

With two out of three adults—and one out of three children—overweight or obese, you’d think that restaurants would have some interest in keeping their patrons alive and dining out longer.

With mandatory calorie labeling on the horizon for chain restaurants, you’d think that restaurants would be dropping high-calorie items from their menus.

With close to 30 percent of young Americans too heavy to join the military, you’d think that restaurants would at least stop introducing new heavyweight items.

Nope. It’s business as usual in the restaurant industry. And that means it’s business as usual around here. Welcome to our 2010 Xtreme Eating Awards.

The “get out of Iraq and Afghanistan and close Gitmo” left has been reduced to expecting everybody to believe that they’re losing sleep over people’s weight disqualifying them from joining the military? If you had “no, that’s not why” in the office pool, you win. The reason of course is that turning obesity into a national security issue gives them a weak justification for yet another government takeover — of “Big Chef” in this case.

By the way, the Xtreme Eating winners are here. More stuff to add to my bucket list.

The CSPI calls Olive Garden’s 1,030-calorie, deep-fried Lasagna Fritta appetizer “food porn.” Bow-chicka-bow-bowww… Previous CSPI “food porn” winners are “Debbie Does Donuts” and “Deep-Dish-Pizza Throat.”

As for the new diet, no, I don’t think I’ll exist completely on food the Center for Science in the Public Interest warns against, but if I did I’m willing to bet that I’d still outlive the namby-pamby nannies at the CSPI whose blood-pressure reading red lines every time they see a McDonalds Happy Meal commercial.

My kids won’t take part in the new diet either, because they have something called “parents,” and as such have little need for the Center for Science in the Public Interest.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

1. Hike the Incline. I did this last Monday with a daring, generous girlfriend. The Incline is a legendary trail in Manitou Springs that rises 2,000 vertical feet in just over a mile from about 6,600 ft. to 8,600 ft. altitude. We made it a little over an hour. There are about 5,000 railroad ties to traverse; to get back down, we took the breathtaking Barr Trail. My calves burned for a week.

2. Visit the Great Sand Dunes. Incredible national park near Mosca, CO in the southern part of the state. Affordable family fun ($3 for adults, kids under 16 free), out-of-this-world scenery. No need to bring a sled. Just roll around like we did:

3. Watch a hot air balloon glow. Did this for the first time this summer with my son in the Springs. Everyone should do it once!

4. Horseback riding in Garden of the Gods. Took my daughter and nieces earlier this summer. Couldn’t walk for three days after, but it was worth it.

5. Swing on a trapeze. Did this with dear family friends in Boulder last summer. Wild and exhilarating. And safer than skydiving (I think)!

6. Sewing a Halloween costume. Ok, so it’s not as sexy as the other goals. But it’s my current project and it’s as challenging as anything else I’ve done. My 10-year-old daughter wants to be Lotso Bear from Toy Story — a costume that I couldn’t find anywhere online or on costume store shelves. For all you crafty geeks, I’m using McCall’s pattern MP373. Lots of firsts: Using bias tape for the neckline, sewing darts, etc. I’ll let you know how the final product turns out…

So, what’s on your list? Seize the day!

Barack Obama’s presidential seal jumping from the podium was a shoo-in for Campaign Metaphor of the Week — until a little while ago.

The Texas Rangers were in Tampa to play the Rays in game 2 of the ALDS Thursday night, and Charlie Crist threw out the first pitch… sort of. The fact that the pitch sailed way off to the right sort of ruins the metaphor, but still, it’s a sign:

I think Charlie was throwing the ball at whoever just released the results of this poll.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe

By way of Moonbattery, a sign spotted at the State Department:

Van Helsing adds:

The leftist criminals running the federal government are stealing literally $trillions from us, from our children, and from our grandchildren, and using nonsensical bailouts and pork-stuffed “stimulus” farces to pass out the loot among their corrupt cronies. But don’t try drinking any of someone else’s coffee in a bureauweenie breakroom, or you will be reported to the appropriate agency.

Actually, after reading what you’d have to go through to report your coffee stolen, I think most people would just switch to water at that point and forget about it.

**Written by Doug Powers

Twitter @ThePowersThatBe